Random

I have insecurities in what the future holds. The after college life needs to be worked out. I don't know where I want to go but I want to feel okay in the places that I'm going and I don't want any surprises. If I could I would rather a boring life with my life planned out. I don't go out on a limb and put myself out because I always expect the worst.

I have been guarded for so long I don't really know what the norm is for relationships because I really haven't been down that road. Right now I do know for certain that I'm doing it wrong but I'm unsure with where to go from here. Since day one I feel as though we had two different mindsets and expectations. Sending letters to someone you had just met only a couple weeks ago saying how much you miss each other is tough when you barely know them. Heck, when his birthday came up and I didn't know where we were that made me evaluate where we were at.  Ever since he came back from underway I felt that we came back to each other in two different places.

I don't know when he started to like me or if there was even a defined point but it definitely know mine wasn't the same time. In my head, those memories aren't romanticized but represent a different part in my life. That day was the last day that I saw somebody that I was seeing yet that was the first day for him to notice me. I was guarded since day one and that's definitely not one of my finer qualities. I tried everything in my power to mess things up so I can get rid of that Oliver link. I just didn't want to be there. Feeling alone and rejection is just the tip of the iceberg of my insecurities and fears. It goes beyond just my upbringing but something ever since I was a kid I couldn't come to terms with.

Sometimes I feel as though I am making decisions right now because I am scared of the alternatives and the unknown and just trying to delay tough decisions.  He is a really good guy. I never really thought things would get this serious this fast. I'm not trying to mess up the relationship but I don't want to rush into anything that I don't feel comfortable in. That might seem petty but I feel that as much as I love this man, you can't force what isn't there.

When He talks about his job and the hardships that he has everyday and the only thing that I can come up with is "that sucks", trying to pretend that I know what I'm talking about or asking a billion questions try to keep up with him.

Every time he makes jokes about getting married or buying a house it genuinely freaks me out. I am not going to run away from my doubts but I don't know how long I can hold it in before my pretending pushes us apart. I don't want us to end because of fears but I want to do this at my own pace or feel comfortable at the pace. Being in the military, I feel as though it complicates things by how we have to structure our time together. I think that there are times where I might have to pretend things are alright and not just always complain to him but try to listen to him and understand him. Communication is hard. I enjoy his personality but it's hard to get to know him and find out what is happening between us.